perpetual motion

some days around here feel so very mundane and repetitive. how can this be with three children running around? but i am telling you...i have wiped down the kitchen counter a minimum of 10 times today. i have loaded, unloaded and put away loads of laundry and dishes. i have refereed several tiffs between children. i have picked up something to read and put it down too many times to count. i have stood facing into my cabinets seeking out the next meal or snack at least 5 times (sometimes i give up and have to come back again, we haven't eaten 5 meals today.) i have let the dogs out then in and out again. i have made the rounds just checking in on the kids to see what they are up to and if they need me..which they don't. i have checked in on facebook at least 4 times just hoping for some sort of outside force to knock me out of my perpetual motion. i feel like i am waiting on something... but what exactly am i waiting for??? this is the million dollar question of my life!!! maybe i am waiting for the phone to ring. maybe i am waiting for my husband to get home. maybe i am waiting for some sort of epiphany where it is suddenly revealed to me what i am supposed to be doing with my life. i am waiting. not so patiently.

loving my kids

for a really long time I thought that I loved my kids more than anyone else loved theirs....yes, I know how stupid that seems. But I really did think that. Then I started reading the thoughts and hearts of other moms in the blog world and realized how untrue that is. It seems like every mom feels the same way. They write about all the little details of their beloved children and take meticulous care to document the journey almost daily. So gradually, the more I read about the love of other mothers, the more I start to doubt my superior parenting talent of adoring my children. I don't journal their stories, I don't scrapbook, I don't even get 5 minutes alone with each one everyday. I start doubting how well I do the job I have felt called to do for the last 11 years, and think, "I am not meeting the job requirements here." I stay home with my kids because I don't want anyone else to get all their little moments. I am here because I want them to always know that I AM HERE. I want them to have a stable base, a place where their roots are, I want them to have that in ME. But I am falling short. Then today, while reading a lovely blog about a moms love for her special needs child I start thinking, does she love hers more because she has a special need? Do I take mine for granted because they don't? Do mothers who have lost a child love their remaining children more than I love mine because of their new perspective? Then I realized it was time to stop analyzing. I realized that I do not need to compare myself to other mothers or judge my level of love an devotion based on the levels of others. I am called to love my children. I am called to show them unconditional love and to teach them to love others. I need to love them like God loves me. I fall even further behind here. I do love them unconditionally. I can easily say that I would lay down my life for theirs with not a seconds hesitation. But sometimes I am not gentle and sometimes I keep a record of wrongs. I don't quite love like the Father loves. I don't have to make beautiful memory books of my children to prove my love, I don't have to write out in detail the wonder of who they are. I only have to love them like I've been taught.
(but, i have to admit, i am coveting those memory books.....)

Fresh Start

Each morning I walk my kids to the end of our quarter mile driveway to wait for the bus with them. For the last two years it was just my oldest and me and I really treasured that time I had with just her. Now I walk two kids down and soon it will be three. But I still really love this little piece of my day. I always thought of myself as a night owl. Never considered myself a morning person at all. Today as I waited with my kids I realized that maybe I have changed. As we talked about our cats and how they are perfectly colored and we wondered about the baby cow we had seen freshly born yesterday morning, I felt calm. I didn't feel rushed or put-upon. Maybe it was the weather. The beautiful sunshine and the smell of spring in the air. But it sure felt like a fresh start. And I wonder if my kids will remember that in the mornings when momma walked them to the bus, she was kind and attentive, instead of worn out and grumpy. I hope that is what they remember. I wish that I could have a little fresh start somewhere around 4:00 in the afternoon. Thats where we really need it.

breathing out

We participate in a small group fellowship/study on Tuesday nights and right now we are working our way thru a series of Rob Bell videos. Each and every one of these has provoked great conversation and a little bit of new perspective about, say, rubber balls or planting trees....last night we watched "Breathe". The main idea I gleaned from this....when we breathe in the Spirit of GOD we must breathe out other things taking up space inside of us....the question posed....what do we need to breathe out? The first time I watched this one, I thought....well, not much....I have plenty of room for the Spirit in there...then I watched again and realized that I have some exhaling to do. There are so many small grievances I hold inside...whether it be the alarm clock ringing or the kids giggling well after bedtime....the frustations of life, I just need to let them go....breathe out.

AND our sermon last Sunday also hit home. One point was based on the verse "Love is not provoked". I never thought too much about that...thats why it was part of a sermon....but I realize that I allow myself to be provoked by the little annoyances....my name repeated, well, repeatedly....my kids inability to follow a two step direction. Our pastor challenged us.....each time you want to say "I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, annoyed" replace those words with "unloving" see how many times a day you feel unloving...its disturbing....we kind of made a joke of it....my husband will say "you sound very unloving" and I respond, of course "shutty." I KNOW that I need to work on responding in love all the time especially with my kids. Anyway....thought I would put these thoughts down so that they don't escape me....

Things I love

my valentine kids......fluffly floating snowflakes that never seem to land......kindergarten valentine parties......target......a new purse...... my hubby xoxoxox......reeses peanut butter cups......ice cream.......reading......my bff......family time......pizza....newborn babies........my Q and C....owls....our home.......our church family.....my Savior.....my sunroom....my honda......James Taylor.....our puppy dogs and kitties.....our families.....childrens books......playdoh.....jeans.....slippers......sleeping in........the list goes on...and on....and on.....

I am resolved

well, an entire week after the new year began I woke this morning with new resolve. After 21 days at home with my children....many of those trapped indoors other than an occasional romp in the snow, I woke feeling motivated instead of burnt out! This is reason to celebrate! We brought out the playdoh for hours of fun! We put on good tunes and are really enjoying our day instead of just passing the time.
My resolution is not for 2010, but for life. I am sure that I will fail at least as much as I succeed, but I will do my very best to LIVE INTENTIONALLY. Thats it. I will make no promises to work out, yell less, eat less, or keep a cleaner home. I figure if i truely live every day with intention then all those things will follow.....I realize this is no new concept. I believe there is a radio segment titled Intentional Living. I used to listen to it daily and think"good idea." I never even once thought "what do I need to be more intentional about?" I see it now, the answer is that I need to be intentional with every breath I take, every word I say, and every household chore I tackle, as though doing it for the Lord! I know that tomorrow I will be thinking..." what was I thinking putting a resolution in print?" To me, this makes it like a rule instead of a passing notion. But hopefully I will remember that being intentional is good for me and good for those I love and good for the witness that I am trying to be in my own small way. So, off I go....wish me well....

twenty-one months...

since I last blogged. Wow...seems like at some point in this last year I would have had thoughts profound enough to blog...but probably not. Gods been working on me lately though, we wrestle late at night when I can't sleep, it seems he pushes me to write things out or at least hash them out in my head. Not long ago He led me to write letters to my parents that I had been thinking on for quite a while. I wrote them at 2 am with tears streaming down my face and the next morning tried to second guess what I had written...is this too sappy? Too honest? Will they think I have lost it? But I mailed them anyway because God said to write them. This most recent late night I absolutely had to write down my testimony. There was no way around it, I would never sleep till I did it. It is amazing to me that having been a Christian for so many years I had never written it out or even completely put it into words before. Sure I have shared my faith, here and there, and shared my story, but I hadn't really thought out how Jesus and I developed our relationship. So I will share it here. The shorter version at least.....I will just say that thru my whole childhood and teen years I was always desperately seeking something stable and secure, someone predictable and loyal..... I looked in so many wrong places. I searched for belonging in the accolades I received for my singing and in the attention I would get from obnoxious or flirtatious behavior, or the stares I would get for my choice of clothing, I even enlisted in the Army seeking stability. All of those things are temporal and change like the weather....what I really wanted and needed was someone who would love me NO MATTER WHAT. Jesus first called me down the aisle of a church when I was just a kid, I didn't understand it but that's where we began, he called me again in high school at a deeper life rally, and again just weeks before my wedding, another time when my first baby was a year old....he keeps calling me to him and I just have to keep listening. I did not have a head over heels, instant change experience with Jesus....I just learned to trust him and then learned to follow him and so here I am, still seeking, still following and still trusting and for me, that's what its about. I found in Jesus Christ the one and only, unchanging, unconditional love of my life and I can't imagine how lost I would feel without him. It breaks my heart to see other young people so very obviously trying to fill the void with things other than Jesus. Thats been weighing on my heart lately......just thinking.....