northbound

driving north this morning brought with it a clenching in my chest, a lead weight in my stomach and a general ache in my heart.
i was just going to pay a bill that i neglected to mail in time to reach its destination before overdue...usually i pay instore and do a little shopping while i am there....kohls, of course. but today, i didn't even want to drive in that general direction. i actually considered driving south instead. an hour longer drive to the next closest store just to avoid the city that i love. this sounds just silly but i just couldn't stand the thought of a "normal" shopping trip, perusing the aisle at target and enjoying sourdough pizzas at schlotzskys with my healthy carefree kids. it feels wrong.
only a few weeks ago a tragedy there. still there are mourning families and devastation so evident after such a hurculean effort by the community and people and ministries from all over the country. getting out of the car, thunder rumbles. harmless, far off, sky still sunny, thunder. yet in that city, it sounds so forboding. scary. we make the payment and attempt a little shopping for a more modest swimsuit for my oldest...can't do it. i am thinking of each sales associate and how they may have been affected by the tragedy. i want to offer words of condolence but don't even know how. we try again...one of my favorite stores to wander in....no...just want to drive south. its not that i don't want to know what is happening here, i do. its maybe that i feel inept and unsure of my usefulness.
it strikes me as odd...you know people say "its like a train wreck, you don't want to look, but you can't look away" its true that many things are like that but i find that when a tragedy strikes close to home... or close to heart....i just want to not see. i want to look away. i don't want to believe that such awful things can happen in real life.
3 days before the tornado my youngest and i went for a little errand run, cletes for the boy at academy and lunch at backyard burger. the people who work in those stores were kind and attentive and i hate to imagine their fear on that Sunday.
it seems irreverant to the magnitude of the loss for anyone to do anything except help and pray in Joplin. i feel terrible that we went to pay a bill and search for swimwear. i will keep on praying that Gods mercy and grace will be made evident. i will keep looking for ways to be of help. i will still call that my go-to town. and someday, i won't be filled with anxiety to go there.