holding hands

yesterday was just another day at home with my smallest girl. in the afternoon we took a walk up through our back pasture and then sat awhile up on the hilltop just seeing what we could see. we talked about dogs and horses and flowers and cows. and when we walked down, i held my hand out in her direction as i always do. and she took my hand as she always does. i was aware of how small her hand is in mine and how blessed i am that i get to hold it. i tell her everyday that i am glad i get to spend my days with her. i mean it. sometimes i look ahead to next year when she will go off to school with her brother and sister and i wonder what i will be doing then. i get a little anxious to get whatever that is started. then i remember that i can't get this back. this tiny hand in mine walking through the field and talking about everything. i love this part of my life and i am sad just thinking of it ending. i sincerly hope that when i do go out into the world and figure out who i am out there, that i don't forget this part of me that wants to be everything for my kids. i hope that selfish ambition doesn't get the best of me. i want them to have the best of me. i want to hold their hands forever.

still remembering...

I don't want to let this anniversary month pass without remembering the eleventh day, nine years ago.
We were living outside of Baton Rouge, LA at the time and I was driving into the city headed to work. I heard on the radio the first reports that a plane had crashed into a building in NYC but they were still under the assumption that it was accidental. I dropped my 2 year old off at her pre-school and went on to work, where everyone was gathered quietly around a fuzzy television screen. By that time the 2nd plane had crashed and America realized that we were under attack. I remember that the entire day everyone was speculating, who will be next? Will it be Baton Rouge, LA because we have so much industry along the Mississippi River or because the president was in our state that day? Would this just keep happening with no way to stop it? I went home and watched news coverage on a clear screen and was dumbfounded all over again. It was so much worse when you could see the devistation without terrible static on the television.
I regret that it is so easy to forget. I wish that I could say that everyday for the last nine years I had thought of and prayed for those who lost loved ones that day. I haven't. But I am remembering now, and praying for them now.
Lord, please give them your comfort and peace.
And I am praying for those lost souls that are still today planning and plotting for the destuction of even more human life.
Lord, please stand in their way so they cannot see around you and are forced to see your truth.
And Lord, please never let me forget. Never let me become complacent. Keep me alert and aware of the needs around me.
amen.

new groove

School began this week and i decided it was about time to create a new groove for our days to run in. i cannot believe that i have been a stay at home mom for more than 4 years now and have only now decided to do this. we have always had routine...basicly the same schedule everyday. we just lived...took care of business, played, worked, cleaned, read books...hung out and enjoyed ourselves. i still fully intend to enjoy our days...i don't want anything too binding to wreck our "fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants" existence. but i am talking about a little bit of
list-making to make our days more intentional and actually give us a sense of accomplishment at the days end.
i made two daily to-do lists. one is for housekeeping things...changing sheets, cleaning bathrooms, mopping, vacuuming and the like. dishes and laundry are daily tasks around here, but sometimes those other things get overlooked, for a little too long...
the other is my list of activities that i can do with my 4 year old. we didn't get into the public pre-school, and opted out of paying for another. i am very loosely using the term "home-schooling" to describe what we are trying to accomplish. i am not worried about her social interaction with other kids, she is around them all the time at church and playgroups. and i am not going to push workbooks and flashcards. but its important to me that she has equal opportunity for all those fun pre-school activities that other 4 year olds will have. so...on this list are some ideas for each day of the week to make sure we don't overlook important kinds of play. for instance...i am the opposite of crafty! its not my thing, but i realize that she loves creating so i put it down on 3 days of the week to make sure i allow opportunity for crafting. i also have specific days to concentrate on music, science, cooking, games and writing skills.
i am amazed that just making the lists, typing them up and sticking them to the fridge has already made me feel more accomplished. i am now excited about this opportunity to be home with only one child and not intimidated by it. i thought i might feel useless but after making a list of all i do each day i feel that i have a very important job indeed, i mean...who else is gonna clean the toilets and play school with my girl?
i am looking forward to getting out of the old RUT and making a new groove!

perpetual motion

some days around here feel so very mundane and repetitive. how can this be with three children running around? but i am telling you...i have wiped down the kitchen counter a minimum of 10 times today. i have loaded, unloaded and put away loads of laundry and dishes. i have refereed several tiffs between children. i have picked up something to read and put it down too many times to count. i have stood facing into my cabinets seeking out the next meal or snack at least 5 times (sometimes i give up and have to come back again, we haven't eaten 5 meals today.) i have let the dogs out then in and out again. i have made the rounds just checking in on the kids to see what they are up to and if they need me..which they don't. i have checked in on facebook at least 4 times just hoping for some sort of outside force to knock me out of my perpetual motion. i feel like i am waiting on something... but what exactly am i waiting for??? this is the million dollar question of my life!!! maybe i am waiting for the phone to ring. maybe i am waiting for my husband to get home. maybe i am waiting for some sort of epiphany where it is suddenly revealed to me what i am supposed to be doing with my life. i am waiting. not so patiently.

loving my kids

for a really long time I thought that I loved my kids more than anyone else loved theirs....yes, I know how stupid that seems. But I really did think that. Then I started reading the thoughts and hearts of other moms in the blog world and realized how untrue that is. It seems like every mom feels the same way. They write about all the little details of their beloved children and take meticulous care to document the journey almost daily. So gradually, the more I read about the love of other mothers, the more I start to doubt my superior parenting talent of adoring my children. I don't journal their stories, I don't scrapbook, I don't even get 5 minutes alone with each one everyday. I start doubting how well I do the job I have felt called to do for the last 11 years, and think, "I am not meeting the job requirements here." I stay home with my kids because I don't want anyone else to get all their little moments. I am here because I want them to always know that I AM HERE. I want them to have a stable base, a place where their roots are, I want them to have that in ME. But I am falling short. Then today, while reading a lovely blog about a moms love for her special needs child I start thinking, does she love hers more because she has a special need? Do I take mine for granted because they don't? Do mothers who have lost a child love their remaining children more than I love mine because of their new perspective? Then I realized it was time to stop analyzing. I realized that I do not need to compare myself to other mothers or judge my level of love an devotion based on the levels of others. I am called to love my children. I am called to show them unconditional love and to teach them to love others. I need to love them like God loves me. I fall even further behind here. I do love them unconditionally. I can easily say that I would lay down my life for theirs with not a seconds hesitation. But sometimes I am not gentle and sometimes I keep a record of wrongs. I don't quite love like the Father loves. I don't have to make beautiful memory books of my children to prove my love, I don't have to write out in detail the wonder of who they are. I only have to love them like I've been taught.
(but, i have to admit, i am coveting those memory books.....)

Fresh Start

Each morning I walk my kids to the end of our quarter mile driveway to wait for the bus with them. For the last two years it was just my oldest and me and I really treasured that time I had with just her. Now I walk two kids down and soon it will be three. But I still really love this little piece of my day. I always thought of myself as a night owl. Never considered myself a morning person at all. Today as I waited with my kids I realized that maybe I have changed. As we talked about our cats and how they are perfectly colored and we wondered about the baby cow we had seen freshly born yesterday morning, I felt calm. I didn't feel rushed or put-upon. Maybe it was the weather. The beautiful sunshine and the smell of spring in the air. But it sure felt like a fresh start. And I wonder if my kids will remember that in the mornings when momma walked them to the bus, she was kind and attentive, instead of worn out and grumpy. I hope that is what they remember. I wish that I could have a little fresh start somewhere around 4:00 in the afternoon. Thats where we really need it.

breathing out

We participate in a small group fellowship/study on Tuesday nights and right now we are working our way thru a series of Rob Bell videos. Each and every one of these has provoked great conversation and a little bit of new perspective about, say, rubber balls or planting trees....last night we watched "Breathe". The main idea I gleaned from this....when we breathe in the Spirit of GOD we must breathe out other things taking up space inside of us....the question posed....what do we need to breathe out? The first time I watched this one, I thought....well, not much....I have plenty of room for the Spirit in there...then I watched again and realized that I have some exhaling to do. There are so many small grievances I hold inside...whether it be the alarm clock ringing or the kids giggling well after bedtime....the frustations of life, I just need to let them go....breathe out.

AND our sermon last Sunday also hit home. One point was based on the verse "Love is not provoked". I never thought too much about that...thats why it was part of a sermon....but I realize that I allow myself to be provoked by the little annoyances....my name repeated, well, repeatedly....my kids inability to follow a two step direction. Our pastor challenged us.....each time you want to say "I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, annoyed" replace those words with "unloving" see how many times a day you feel unloving...its disturbing....we kind of made a joke of it....my husband will say "you sound very unloving" and I respond, of course "shutty." I KNOW that I need to work on responding in love all the time especially with my kids. Anyway....thought I would put these thoughts down so that they don't escape me....

Things I love

my valentine kids......fluffly floating snowflakes that never seem to land......kindergarten valentine parties......target......a new purse...... my hubby xoxoxox......reeses peanut butter cups......ice cream.......reading......my bff......family time......pizza....newborn babies........my Q and C....owls....our home.......our church family.....my Savior.....my sunroom....my honda......James Taylor.....our puppy dogs and kitties.....our families.....childrens books......playdoh.....jeans.....slippers......sleeping in........the list goes on...and on....and on.....

I am resolved

well, an entire week after the new year began I woke this morning with new resolve. After 21 days at home with my children....many of those trapped indoors other than an occasional romp in the snow, I woke feeling motivated instead of burnt out! This is reason to celebrate! We brought out the playdoh for hours of fun! We put on good tunes and are really enjoying our day instead of just passing the time.
My resolution is not for 2010, but for life. I am sure that I will fail at least as much as I succeed, but I will do my very best to LIVE INTENTIONALLY. Thats it. I will make no promises to work out, yell less, eat less, or keep a cleaner home. I figure if i truely live every day with intention then all those things will follow.....I realize this is no new concept. I believe there is a radio segment titled Intentional Living. I used to listen to it daily and think"good idea." I never even once thought "what do I need to be more intentional about?" I see it now, the answer is that I need to be intentional with every breath I take, every word I say, and every household chore I tackle, as though doing it for the Lord! I know that tomorrow I will be thinking..." what was I thinking putting a resolution in print?" To me, this makes it like a rule instead of a passing notion. But hopefully I will remember that being intentional is good for me and good for those I love and good for the witness that I am trying to be in my own small way. So, off I go....wish me well....