northbound

driving north this morning brought with it a clenching in my chest, a lead weight in my stomach and a general ache in my heart.
i was just going to pay a bill that i neglected to mail in time to reach its destination before overdue...usually i pay instore and do a little shopping while i am there....kohls, of course. but today, i didn't even want to drive in that general direction. i actually considered driving south instead. an hour longer drive to the next closest store just to avoid the city that i love. this sounds just silly but i just couldn't stand the thought of a "normal" shopping trip, perusing the aisle at target and enjoying sourdough pizzas at schlotzskys with my healthy carefree kids. it feels wrong.
only a few weeks ago a tragedy there. still there are mourning families and devastation so evident after such a hurculean effort by the community and people and ministries from all over the country. getting out of the car, thunder rumbles. harmless, far off, sky still sunny, thunder. yet in that city, it sounds so forboding. scary. we make the payment and attempt a little shopping for a more modest swimsuit for my oldest...can't do it. i am thinking of each sales associate and how they may have been affected by the tragedy. i want to offer words of condolence but don't even know how. we try again...one of my favorite stores to wander in....no...just want to drive south. its not that i don't want to know what is happening here, i do. its maybe that i feel inept and unsure of my usefulness.
it strikes me as odd...you know people say "its like a train wreck, you don't want to look, but you can't look away" its true that many things are like that but i find that when a tragedy strikes close to home... or close to heart....i just want to not see. i want to look away. i don't want to believe that such awful things can happen in real life.
3 days before the tornado my youngest and i went for a little errand run, cletes for the boy at academy and lunch at backyard burger. the people who work in those stores were kind and attentive and i hate to imagine their fear on that Sunday.
it seems irreverant to the magnitude of the loss for anyone to do anything except help and pray in Joplin. i feel terrible that we went to pay a bill and search for swimwear. i will keep on praying that Gods mercy and grace will be made evident. i will keep looking for ways to be of help. i will still call that my go-to town. and someday, i won't be filled with anxiety to go there.

in defense of girls

as a parent of 2 girls and 1 boy i find myself roaming about between the camps. you know the ones. the boys camp where everything is science and dirt and trucks and sports. the girls camp where all is frilly and bejeweled and bow-wearing-princesses. i search the internet so that i can print out BOY paper dolls wearing cowboy get-up or pirate costumes. the girls have their own hotwheels. they all love nature and science, they all love dress-up, they all love art.

i have heard families with only boys say they cannot imagine the drama of living with girls. i have to say, my boy is sometimes dramatic and my girls have been known to be pretty tough. i don't wanna hop on the soapbox of stereotype but seriously. who says that girls are weak and whiney? hopefully, these girls of mine will someday exhibit the most profound strength as they bring a new baby into this world. they will bear the heartwrenching fear when they cannot protect their children at all times. these girls, they will be the support upon which their husbands can rest. girls are strong. their feet just sometimes hover a few inches off the ground. their hearts just sometimes cannot be contained by their little bodies and bubbles out in song and dance. so what if we indulge them in a little fairy tale when they are small? soon enough they will be weighted down with the world.

i don't really mind the stereotype that all girls like pink and sparkles, because the truth is, most do...its PRETTY, for petes sake! what i do mind is the thought that pink and sparkly = weak and full of unneccesary drama. no, my girl plays with superman in her snow white gown. the truth is, strength and beauty can happen in the same person....and it happens in each of my girls. if we would like for them to grow up and believe that they are strong and capable we need to tell them that they are, now.

and while i am at it, every child needs comfort and compassion when they fall down in whatever way. they all need to hear, "i see your pain, i know it hurts, but you CAN get back up. i will help you." boys can be comforted and still turn out tough.

well, guess i dragged out the soapbox anyway. every mom has a few, sometimes we need to stand on them to get a better view of our own lives.

a clean page

my heart feels happy and content...why? i finally, on this 7th day of the new year, purchased my 2011 calendar! (and bonus! if you buy your calendar late you get it half off!) 3 years ago i found a spectacular little family calendar illustrated by Sandra Boynton, that has a space for each member of the family on each day of the month. I LOVE IT! and i've gotten the same one each year since then. (another thing i like about it is that its just cute and colorful and not refined or pretty in any way and that makes my heart feel young.) I borrowed my girls fine point sharpies and set to work, filling in birthdays and weekly events...putting extra little illustrations for holidays....then i finally hung it in my kitchen. and then i stood and stared at it and flipped the pages back and forth and stared some more. I felt giddy. I still do. I find it so strange that a clean calendar can bring me such joy. i feel the holidays went by too quickly this year (as always) but i find myself glad for this, the beginning of a new year.
i have no idea what this year holds...though some things are inevitable...my baby girl will start kindergarten in the fall and i will officially be unnecessary around these parts during the day. this leads to the question of what will i do then? and i have no idea the answer to that question. but i am a little excited that the year of no more excuses is here and i will just have to make a choice or two and get this next chapter started. i just got chills. maybe i should just have another baby and procrastinate another 5 years.....that would be okay with me, too. anyway...i have been inspired to write out a bucket list....and i just love the positive spin this puts on my thought-life. i haven't yet put pen to paper but i intend to, and soon. also this year i requested and recieved a couple of journals for gifts. in one i plan to record all the books i read, i have done this for a few years now, but didn't have the journal for it. i don't know why the idea appeals to me but it seems proof that i have held on to a passion and interest of mine (reading). the other journal is for recording words that have affected my heart in some way, whether that be a Bible verse, my best friends daughters poem about Fall or famous quotes, song lyrics...i am often deeply moved by the creative arrangements of words. there are scaps of paper everywhere that i have scribbled out these words and i am excited to have them all in one place...bound up in book form...because you know i love books. the calendar high is waning and dinner needs fixing....think i will go have another glance at January and then get to work.
bucket list entries coming soon....

holding hands

yesterday was just another day at home with my smallest girl. in the afternoon we took a walk up through our back pasture and then sat awhile up on the hilltop just seeing what we could see. we talked about dogs and horses and flowers and cows. and when we walked down, i held my hand out in her direction as i always do. and she took my hand as she always does. i was aware of how small her hand is in mine and how blessed i am that i get to hold it. i tell her everyday that i am glad i get to spend my days with her. i mean it. sometimes i look ahead to next year when she will go off to school with her brother and sister and i wonder what i will be doing then. i get a little anxious to get whatever that is started. then i remember that i can't get this back. this tiny hand in mine walking through the field and talking about everything. i love this part of my life and i am sad just thinking of it ending. i sincerly hope that when i do go out into the world and figure out who i am out there, that i don't forget this part of me that wants to be everything for my kids. i hope that selfish ambition doesn't get the best of me. i want them to have the best of me. i want to hold their hands forever.

still remembering...

I don't want to let this anniversary month pass without remembering the eleventh day, nine years ago.
We were living outside of Baton Rouge, LA at the time and I was driving into the city headed to work. I heard on the radio the first reports that a plane had crashed into a building in NYC but they were still under the assumption that it was accidental. I dropped my 2 year old off at her pre-school and went on to work, where everyone was gathered quietly around a fuzzy television screen. By that time the 2nd plane had crashed and America realized that we were under attack. I remember that the entire day everyone was speculating, who will be next? Will it be Baton Rouge, LA because we have so much industry along the Mississippi River or because the president was in our state that day? Would this just keep happening with no way to stop it? I went home and watched news coverage on a clear screen and was dumbfounded all over again. It was so much worse when you could see the devistation without terrible static on the television.
I regret that it is so easy to forget. I wish that I could say that everyday for the last nine years I had thought of and prayed for those who lost loved ones that day. I haven't. But I am remembering now, and praying for them now.
Lord, please give them your comfort and peace.
And I am praying for those lost souls that are still today planning and plotting for the destuction of even more human life.
Lord, please stand in their way so they cannot see around you and are forced to see your truth.
And Lord, please never let me forget. Never let me become complacent. Keep me alert and aware of the needs around me.
amen.

new groove

School began this week and i decided it was about time to create a new groove for our days to run in. i cannot believe that i have been a stay at home mom for more than 4 years now and have only now decided to do this. we have always had routine...basicly the same schedule everyday. we just lived...took care of business, played, worked, cleaned, read books...hung out and enjoyed ourselves. i still fully intend to enjoy our days...i don't want anything too binding to wreck our "fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants" existence. but i am talking about a little bit of
list-making to make our days more intentional and actually give us a sense of accomplishment at the days end.
i made two daily to-do lists. one is for housekeeping things...changing sheets, cleaning bathrooms, mopping, vacuuming and the like. dishes and laundry are daily tasks around here, but sometimes those other things get overlooked, for a little too long...
the other is my list of activities that i can do with my 4 year old. we didn't get into the public pre-school, and opted out of paying for another. i am very loosely using the term "home-schooling" to describe what we are trying to accomplish. i am not worried about her social interaction with other kids, she is around them all the time at church and playgroups. and i am not going to push workbooks and flashcards. but its important to me that she has equal opportunity for all those fun pre-school activities that other 4 year olds will have. so...on this list are some ideas for each day of the week to make sure we don't overlook important kinds of play. for instance...i am the opposite of crafty! its not my thing, but i realize that she loves creating so i put it down on 3 days of the week to make sure i allow opportunity for crafting. i also have specific days to concentrate on music, science, cooking, games and writing skills.
i am amazed that just making the lists, typing them up and sticking them to the fridge has already made me feel more accomplished. i am now excited about this opportunity to be home with only one child and not intimidated by it. i thought i might feel useless but after making a list of all i do each day i feel that i have a very important job indeed, i mean...who else is gonna clean the toilets and play school with my girl?
i am looking forward to getting out of the old RUT and making a new groove!

perpetual motion

some days around here feel so very mundane and repetitive. how can this be with three children running around? but i am telling you...i have wiped down the kitchen counter a minimum of 10 times today. i have loaded, unloaded and put away loads of laundry and dishes. i have refereed several tiffs between children. i have picked up something to read and put it down too many times to count. i have stood facing into my cabinets seeking out the next meal or snack at least 5 times (sometimes i give up and have to come back again, we haven't eaten 5 meals today.) i have let the dogs out then in and out again. i have made the rounds just checking in on the kids to see what they are up to and if they need me..which they don't. i have checked in on facebook at least 4 times just hoping for some sort of outside force to knock me out of my perpetual motion. i feel like i am waiting on something... but what exactly am i waiting for??? this is the million dollar question of my life!!! maybe i am waiting for the phone to ring. maybe i am waiting for my husband to get home. maybe i am waiting for some sort of epiphany where it is suddenly revealed to me what i am supposed to be doing with my life. i am waiting. not so patiently.