northbound

driving north this morning brought with it a clenching in my chest, a lead weight in my stomach and a general ache in my heart.
i was just going to pay a bill that i neglected to mail in time to reach its destination before overdue...usually i pay instore and do a little shopping while i am there....kohls, of course. but today, i didn't even want to drive in that general direction. i actually considered driving south instead. an hour longer drive to the next closest store just to avoid the city that i love. this sounds just silly but i just couldn't stand the thought of a "normal" shopping trip, perusing the aisle at target and enjoying sourdough pizzas at schlotzskys with my healthy carefree kids. it feels wrong.
only a few weeks ago a tragedy there. still there are mourning families and devastation so evident after such a hurculean effort by the community and people and ministries from all over the country. getting out of the car, thunder rumbles. harmless, far off, sky still sunny, thunder. yet in that city, it sounds so forboding. scary. we make the payment and attempt a little shopping for a more modest swimsuit for my oldest...can't do it. i am thinking of each sales associate and how they may have been affected by the tragedy. i want to offer words of condolence but don't even know how. we try again...one of my favorite stores to wander in....no...just want to drive south. its not that i don't want to know what is happening here, i do. its maybe that i feel inept and unsure of my usefulness.
it strikes me as odd...you know people say "its like a train wreck, you don't want to look, but you can't look away" its true that many things are like that but i find that when a tragedy strikes close to home... or close to heart....i just want to not see. i want to look away. i don't want to believe that such awful things can happen in real life.
3 days before the tornado my youngest and i went for a little errand run, cletes for the boy at academy and lunch at backyard burger. the people who work in those stores were kind and attentive and i hate to imagine their fear on that Sunday.
it seems irreverant to the magnitude of the loss for anyone to do anything except help and pray in Joplin. i feel terrible that we went to pay a bill and search for swimwear. i will keep on praying that Gods mercy and grace will be made evident. i will keep looking for ways to be of help. i will still call that my go-to town. and someday, i won't be filled with anxiety to go there.

in defense of girls

as a parent of 2 girls and 1 boy i find myself roaming about between the camps. you know the ones. the boys camp where everything is science and dirt and trucks and sports. the girls camp where all is frilly and bejeweled and bow-wearing-princesses. i search the internet so that i can print out BOY paper dolls wearing cowboy get-up or pirate costumes. the girls have their own hotwheels. they all love nature and science, they all love dress-up, they all love art.

i have heard families with only boys say they cannot imagine the drama of living with girls. i have to say, my boy is sometimes dramatic and my girls have been known to be pretty tough. i don't wanna hop on the soapbox of stereotype but seriously. who says that girls are weak and whiney? hopefully, these girls of mine will someday exhibit the most profound strength as they bring a new baby into this world. they will bear the heartwrenching fear when they cannot protect their children at all times. these girls, they will be the support upon which their husbands can rest. girls are strong. their feet just sometimes hover a few inches off the ground. their hearts just sometimes cannot be contained by their little bodies and bubbles out in song and dance. so what if we indulge them in a little fairy tale when they are small? soon enough they will be weighted down with the world.

i don't really mind the stereotype that all girls like pink and sparkles, because the truth is, most do...its PRETTY, for petes sake! what i do mind is the thought that pink and sparkly = weak and full of unneccesary drama. no, my girl plays with superman in her snow white gown. the truth is, strength and beauty can happen in the same person....and it happens in each of my girls. if we would like for them to grow up and believe that they are strong and capable we need to tell them that they are, now.

and while i am at it, every child needs comfort and compassion when they fall down in whatever way. they all need to hear, "i see your pain, i know it hurts, but you CAN get back up. i will help you." boys can be comforted and still turn out tough.

well, guess i dragged out the soapbox anyway. every mom has a few, sometimes we need to stand on them to get a better view of our own lives.

a clean page

my heart feels happy and content...why? i finally, on this 7th day of the new year, purchased my 2011 calendar! (and bonus! if you buy your calendar late you get it half off!) 3 years ago i found a spectacular little family calendar illustrated by Sandra Boynton, that has a space for each member of the family on each day of the month. I LOVE IT! and i've gotten the same one each year since then. (another thing i like about it is that its just cute and colorful and not refined or pretty in any way and that makes my heart feel young.) I borrowed my girls fine point sharpies and set to work, filling in birthdays and weekly events...putting extra little illustrations for holidays....then i finally hung it in my kitchen. and then i stood and stared at it and flipped the pages back and forth and stared some more. I felt giddy. I still do. I find it so strange that a clean calendar can bring me such joy. i feel the holidays went by too quickly this year (as always) but i find myself glad for this, the beginning of a new year.
i have no idea what this year holds...though some things are inevitable...my baby girl will start kindergarten in the fall and i will officially be unnecessary around these parts during the day. this leads to the question of what will i do then? and i have no idea the answer to that question. but i am a little excited that the year of no more excuses is here and i will just have to make a choice or two and get this next chapter started. i just got chills. maybe i should just have another baby and procrastinate another 5 years.....that would be okay with me, too. anyway...i have been inspired to write out a bucket list....and i just love the positive spin this puts on my thought-life. i haven't yet put pen to paper but i intend to, and soon. also this year i requested and recieved a couple of journals for gifts. in one i plan to record all the books i read, i have done this for a few years now, but didn't have the journal for it. i don't know why the idea appeals to me but it seems proof that i have held on to a passion and interest of mine (reading). the other journal is for recording words that have affected my heart in some way, whether that be a Bible verse, my best friends daughters poem about Fall or famous quotes, song lyrics...i am often deeply moved by the creative arrangements of words. there are scaps of paper everywhere that i have scribbled out these words and i am excited to have them all in one place...bound up in book form...because you know i love books. the calendar high is waning and dinner needs fixing....think i will go have another glance at January and then get to work.
bucket list entries coming soon....